Photo by Mihai Surdu on Unsplash
Since Tarana Burke coined the phrase “#MeToo” in 2006, to when Ashley Judd publicly accused Harvey Weinstein in 2017 and Alyssa Milano sent the tweet heard ‘round the world shortly thereafter, to today, the timeline of events is staggering, and quite honestly, a bit sickening. To think that if not for this movement, many of these victims, women and men alike, would never have come forward, is a sad thought indeed.
The rise of #MeToo has empowered many victims to speak out about their experiences with sexual harassment and assault. This movement has called for widespread change and levels of accountability we have never seen before. The extensiveness of the problem has illuminated just how pervasive harassment is within our workplaces and cultures, and in turn, has illuminated just how little had been done to address it until now. Coming to terms with the failure of our institutions to protect victims, and how our own actions (or inactions) have played a role in where we are today, can be difficult to stomach. However, accepting our accountability is the first very important step toward change. I believe, perhaps naively, that most people have willingly taken part in this process and that many companies have taken (or will take) positive and necessary steps to right their wrongs.
An Alternate Narrative
There is an alternate and continuing narrative, however, that needs to be addressed before we move forward. It is the narrative that pities men and the “backlash” they have had to bear since #MeToo became a household term, and perpetuates two very false ideas: First, that women are the only survivors of sexual assault. And second, that men everywhere now have to “be careful” or that they will be accused themselves. The latter is particularly problematic, as it implies that women who do come forward with accusations are not being truthful.
“I don’t know what I’m allowed to say anymore.”
“I’m afraid to say or do anything because I’ll get in trouble.”
“A lot of men want to help and be more involved with gender equality, but they are afraid to get ‘#MeToo-ed.’’’
These are all phrases that I have heard over the past few years, both in professional settings and in casual conversations. I want to be clear that the men and women saying these things are not doing so from a place of malice – quite the opposite. These are real concerns which have either been expressed to me directly or relayed to me by someone else.
These concerns have, at times, stalled gender diversity and inclusion efforts within workplaces. They have held men back from being champions of gender equity issues, and they have, at times, kept important conversations from happening. So while I do not, in any way, share these concerns and even find it hard to take them seriously, I have over time realized that they merit a serious response.
Three Ways I Respond To The Idea That Men are “Victims” of #MeToo
First, a clarification – many men have come forward as victims and survivors of sexual harassment and assault. In that sense, yes, men can be victims in relation to the #MeToo movement. These are not the men I am referring to. I am referring to the imaginary men that have, in this false narrative, been victimized by women who falsely accuse them for attention or fame, or the men who feel that as a result of #MeToo they have to censor themselves from perfectly “acceptable” ways of behavior and speech, or the men who are so scared of the #MeToo movement that they don’t want to come into any more contact with women at work than is required.
To those people, those “victims”, or to someone who is relaying a story of such people to me secondhand, I typically respond in one of a few ways:
I look for data.
When someone makes a claim of fear of false accusation, I ask them for more information. I try to avoid jumping to conclusions and ask directly: “Has someone at your organization been falsely accused of sexual harassment or assault before?”
If they are unsure or give answers based on hearsay, I continue to push and ask for information. If the person is open to it, I ask if they would like to learn more about the low likelihood of someone to make a false allegation. In my experience, people are eager to learn more.
I ask them to define.
One of the most common things I hear is that men feel like they can’t say “anything” anymore. While my initial reaction to this in the past has been to roll my eyes, I have found it much more productive to ask the person saying this to define the term “anything.” What is it, exactly, that you no longer feel safe to say or do at work? This conversation can be a difficult one to get going, but it’s a great opportunity for teaching what actually constitutes sexual harassment in the workplace.
I push them to create structure.
If men in an organization feel unsure about the part they should be playing in working toward gender parity in the wake of #MeToo, the first thing that organization needs to do is create a common understanding of the best way for men to be involved. This can look different for every organization, but if you are part of an organization that may need help defining this structure, do not hesitate to reach out.
I know that it can feel frustrating to explain these concepts to people. When I first heard these things, I responded in anger and impatience. But over time, I have found that welcoming people in for a conversation is more constructive than anything else, and it is what actually creates change. I hope these responses work well for you, too!